


Beautiful Thing

by Seishuku Skuld (skuldchan)



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Juvenalia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-26
Updated: 2005-04-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 17:02:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21182909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skuldchan/pseuds/Seishuku%20Skuld
Summary: Dedicated to Shi-neko and Anne-Elisa for the inspiration…and the kick in the ass.





	Beautiful Thing

There were times when Subaru was unsure of whether he was awake, dreaming, or hovering in that small in-between space, caught in the thin veil between the slumbering and the living, that point slightly below meditation where if he chose to, he could walk both the waking world and the world of dreams. Sometimes he would wake to find himself leaning against a wall in Shinjuku's second district, a men leering at him as they walked by. Sometimes he would wake in his bed, his shirt damp with sweat, and cold from the window letting in a chill breeze. 

Periods where he blacked out were starting to become more and more common as he wandered the streets in a daze, wondering what he was doing. He had dropped out of school so long ago, and the onmyouji work he had continued in his family's tradition seemed stale to him, unfeeling. He did not care for the spirits he encountered, the ghosts he forced back into their own realm. He didn't care for his client's plights, nor did he care for the money they paid him; he did it simply because it was something to do. It passed the time, and it was his duty. To give up his responsibilities, to forfeit the task he had been trained since childhood to do would bring too much trouble, and down the long road, too much ennui. He was aimless, listless, restless, and his job was at least something that stole the time away from him, and blurred the rising and the setting of the sun.

He was easily able to keep a hold on this tenuous netherworld he had mysteriously landed himself in, without a memory of how or why'd he'd suddenly fallen into here, probably more from the boredom than anything else. Most of the time he just let himself go, float back into consciousness, into wherever his body happened to be at the moment, or down into slumber because he just simply didn't care. 

He was about to leave when he sensed a presence about him, a small shift in his realm of endless black, as if suddenly it had folded in upon itself and stilled, the ripples quickly giving way to stillness.

Subaru's heart thumped loudly. Could it be?

A single petal of the cherry blossom fell behind him, out of his field of view and he was too slow to react to catch it before it sunk into the darkness below him and disappeared.

"Seishirou-san!" he called out, adrenaline rushing through his body at the thought that the man—finally—was here. "Seishirou-san!"

Another petal and another, materialized out of empty space in all directions around him, seemingly having no start and no end, a chaotic swirl as occasionally the petals would land in his hair and caress his cheek, blown by an invisible wind.

"Seishirou-san! Reveal yourself!"

He was greeted only by silence and pink sakura. Subaru bit his lip, feeling ashamed. As if Seishirou would ever do anything he commanded, or even requested. 

There was another ripple in the void, a subtle pluck of some intangible strings of power and Subaru reached a hand in front of his eyes, parting the falling petals that obscured his vision of a man melting out of the darkness, the shadows still clinging to him, a loving second skin.

"Hello, my dear Subaru-kun," he said softly. In this quiet world, even a whisper was louder than Subaru could bear. 

"Seishirou...san..." Subaru said, but managed to get no further than that. His words choked him, stuck in his throat and would not be released as they fought for dominance. What should he say? What should he do? Wordless, Subaru stared, hoping his eyes would speak for him, because his traitorous mouth wouldn’t.

"So talkative today," Seishirou smiled, the last of the shadows melting back into the void as the falling sakura stopped in mid-air, frozen in position. He reached out a hand and touched the Sumeragi on the cheek, his fingers so warm they froze him. Seishirou tilted Subaru's head upwards to meet his eyes, once emerald green and now a faded grey. "Hmm...pity," Seishirou murmured. "I so used to enjoy their color."

"It's the light in here," Subaru gasped, his body shivering as Seishirou's hold on his cheek shifted to his chin. 

"Ah, is it Subaru-kun?" Seishirou smiled, a smile so cold it warmed him on the inside. "Or is it the sleepless nights? The cigarettes? The despair?"

Subaru stood wordless, locked in a battle of heat and cold, wondering which one would win, wondering which one he wanted to win.

"But they're still so expressive," Seishirou whispered. "That's always the part I loved best about them." He took Subaru's face in both his hands and stared deep into his eyes, looking at his own reflection. "I enjoy puzzling out what they're trying to say to me. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and all I see here is turmoil.”

"I wonder why that is," Subaru responded bitterly, his cheeks heating up from a blush, from shame at not being able to say what he wanted to. He thought his body might be giving him away, the loud beating of his heart and the rush of his blood, of his hormones, but Seishirou seemed to take no notice of these things. Or if he did, he showed no indication that he cared.

"Indeed," Seishirou responded, turning Subaru's head to the side and taking a bite out of his neck. “Surely you have something more interesting to offer me."

Subaru cried out in pain, the sharp, clean feeling of Seishirou's teeth breaking him out and giving him the strength he needed to shove Seishirou away. He realized too late what he had done when he had stumbled backwards, one, two, three, four steps further away from Seishirou, five steps further away from where it seemed he wanted to be. He cursed his body, his mutinous arms for that betrayal.

"Don't do this to me," he whispered, feeling stinging tears rise up in the eyes, surely because of the pain of Seishirou's bite. He touched his neck and found small drops of blood; the Sakurazuka had broken skin. "Stop playing with me, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou chuckled, perhaps finding amusement in Subaru's request.

"Stop it!" Subaru cried, waving one arm and clearing an arc of frozen sakura petals from between him and Seishirou. He couldn't stand the amused expression on Seishirou's face, the fact that only his suffering could make the man smile. And the smile wasn't even genuine. It was plastered on and sat there, meaning little, least of all amusement. "I hate you! Subaru screamed, his words coming out all wrong and jumbled, not at all what he wanted to say.

"Come now, Subaru," Seishirou replied, still with that wicked smirk, "you don't mean that."

Subaru took a deep breath—inhale, exhale—his chest rising and falling with fury. The fury of some emotion that stirred within him, long awakened from sleep as it coursed through his body, exhilarating him. It was a fresh breeze, the daylight that at long last heralds a temporary end to the night. "Maybe I do."

"Perhaps...or perhaps not. Be sure, Subaru-kun, of all that you say and do."

"Are you, Seishirou-san?"

Seishirou grinned. "Of course, my dear, I am always sure." And he said it with such confidence. How in the world could Sakurazuka Seishirou ever be wrong? How could he ever speak anything that was false, that might be lie, that might be a the child of a misled notion? It infuriated Subaru to no end. He clenched his fists and might have started a fight right there, but he wasn't in the mood for onmyoujutsu. He cast spells everyday for his work and for once, he was sick, tired, and fed up with fighting himself. He’d had enough of spells, chants and spirits, and lies. Lies, lies, lies that trapped him, that stood between him and…what?

"You're lying," Subaru said. He might have pointed an accusatory finger at Seishirou, but he remembered his manners well enough at least not to do that. "You're lying," he said again, this time quieter.

"Am I?" Seishirou was one of the few in the world who could hold that smile, who could be so sure he was telling himself the truth when everybody else told him he was lying. "You'll never know, will you, Subaru-kun?" He was the only one who could construct his personal truth as well as he could construct his illusions, the only one who would sacrifice his sight for blindness.

The cherry blossoms started to fall again and they continued in a light shower as the shadows crept up once more, stealing up and engulfing Seishirou's shadow, and next his finely polished shoes.

"Coward!" Subaru screamed, running forward and grasping for the man he so wanted in his arms—to shake, to hold, to keep. But his fingers only found purchase in delicate pink flowers that disintegrated at his touch, "you don't have what it takes to face me!"

"And what are you to me, my Subaru-kun?"

Subaru fought the petals, which had grown from small flurries to a full torrent, pushing him back and away from Seishirou, rapidly disappearing as the darkness wound itself around his shoulders. Subaru fought down the jealous rage, an endeavor met with equal unsuccess as his pathetic attempt to cling to the only thing in the entire world he gave a shit about. 

"Is truth absolute? Or is it relative? Are we able to delude ourselves as to what the truth may be, Subaru-kun? And if so, how do we know?"

"I’ll be your truth!" Subaru cried, buried underneath the torrent of flowers as they bore him down and he sunk further and further away from Seishirou, who at last stared at him with his unseeing eye before departing completely without even a hint of 'goodbye.' 

Then they enveloped him and he floated in the scent of sakura and blood for a moment, wondering of he would drown without saying the words he really wanted to. "I’ll be..." he murmured, fighting hard to breathe, "I’ll be your..." but it was hopeless and the words died on his lips because there was no one to hear, and what was the use of screaming his patheticness to the senses that were choking him?

With a start Subaru woke up. He was lying on the ground, his cheek pressed into the dirt, his coat dirty, his head throbbing, a layer of sakura lightly sprinkled over him in the spring sunrise. He blinked for a few moments, not knowing where he was or what he had been doing when he had lost consciousness.

He looked up and there it stood in its majesty, showering him with pink petals without a care in the world for what its master had just done.

"Oooh," Subaru moaned, pulling himself to his feet and feeling his bones creak, as if maybe he'd been lying out in Ueno Park all night. His neck and his other joints were stiff and cold, and moving was harder than he last remembered to be. He touched his neck as he moved his head around, trying to work out the kink in his muscles when he touched scabs. His fingers jumped away in surprise, his skin still raw, tender, and healing.

* * *

"Do you ever wonder," Seishirou mused, "whether eyes are windows or doors?”

The Tree didn't answer, and since there was nobody to listen, Seishirou's words died before they begun.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Shi-neko and Anne-Elisa for the inspiration…and the kick in the ass.


End file.
